Today is the day for remembrance of the Holy Innocents. I don't remember precisely how old I was when my parents explained the story to me, only the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. The story I'd heard before was a cheerful one, an amusing one, even, of how the Magi met with Herod, eventually found Jesus and worshiped him, and left town by another road so that Herod's nefarious plot was spoiled and tune in next week for the further adventures... You get the idea. Suddenly I was being faced with the grittier side of the story, the part about how Herod was so obsessed with his power that he ordered the slaughter of all the infant males in an entire city. Herod was so scared that he would be ousted from his throne at least fifteen or twenty years down the line that he had an entire male generation massacred. Infants who were just starting to open their eyes to the world, taking first steps and uttering first words, were mercilessly killed to appease the insecurity of a tyrant, in the name and stead of my Lord and Savior. It was a large and bitter pill to swallow. I turned to the lectionary for help, which it had trouble providing. The messages in the Old Testament, the Gospel, and the Psalms offer much in the way of wailing and gnashing of teeth, and only vague glimpses of hope. The epistle is what helped me through, with Revelation 21. I quote the paraphrase I know from Bairstow's arrangement that I learned in choir: "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away." I pray this night that God has wiped away the tears from their eyes, and that they may thrive in that place where there is no pain or grief, but life eternal.

There's a big smile on my face as as I sit with my family around a fire, opening presents and laughing in each other's company. I hope that you all have a very merry Christmas or whatever holiday is appropriate.

Feeling kind of off tonight. Sore throat, quirky temperature... I really hope I'm not coming down with something. Not only would the timing on that be very much not-fun, but being sick is just crappy anyway.

Blah.

Tunes: "Christmas Is All Around", Billy Mack.

Crazy last-minute college application work this weekend, with the notable break being the Kill Hannah show tonight. Hopefully that rush will get me through.

Tunes: "Sick Boy", "Don't Die Wondering", and "Raining All The Time", Kill Hannah.

There's a man who I see from time to time walking around the library. His body is somewhat disfigured: his leg is bent inwards and he walks with a cane, his face is offset, and he moves somewhat jerkily. He'll talk to anyone who passes by, and tell them his story if they stay to listen. Many people don't stay. They think he's asking for money or they simply don't have the time to waste on some strange man they don't know. I've heard his spiel several times, but I always stay to hear him out. He used to be a wealthy, successful man before he went to the store on his bike and was hit by a truck, which maimed him. He lists the injuries he maintained, and then implores you to always wear your helmet. That's all he wants, to make sure that other people are careful and safe. If you're still around after that, he'll go on briefly about the dangers of smoking, too. I've heard it all before, but I still stay and listen. Sometimes he recognizes me and abridges his story, sometimes not, but I feel that paying attention to him is the least I can do. I don't know how strong his grasp on reality is, or if his story is true or not, but I believe him anyway, because what I do know is that all this man does is show care for others, and I have nothing but the deepest respect for him for that. So if you're ever walking through downtown Evanston, and a strange man hails you asking if you ride a bike or not, take a pause and give him a listen. It's the least you can do.

Advent is a season of waiting, and that's what I'm doing right now, for a number of different things:

13 days until Christmas
8 days until Laura comes home
6 days until Nate gets home
2 days until I meet with my friend and mentor Paul
Roughly two hours before I'll likely get to sleep
Half an hour until I can finish my movie
Lord only knows how long until the phone rings again

Yup, keeping busy. Hard to let life pass you by when you're in it neck deep.

Tunes: "Have A Little Faith In Me", John Hiatt (iTMS); "Hey Now", FM Static (iTMS).

I just stumbled across a site with a very random and quite hilarious concept:

Animated 30-second summaries of movies, reenacted by bunnies.

Check it out.

(Warning: movies contain gore and naughty language)

I was swimming though a dark, heavy, viscous fog, trying to push through and achieve some level of consciousness. My eyes were open, and I could see, but I could not move my eyes, or any other part of my body for that matter. I was an observer in my own mind, free to think and watch what my body did, but with no control whatsoever. With a frustrated push of effort, I managed to brush that higher level, and my gaze flickered across the landscape. Encouraged, I pushed again, harder, and a noise came out of my mouth through bitter nausea. Once more, I prepared to hurl myself through the barrier, when out of nowhere there was pain and a sudden weight attached itself to me like a ball and chain and dragged me flailing deep into the mists. One step forward and five back, apparently. I could no longer see, or feel, or smell, or sense at all. I was aware that there was a body, but that was all. Soon I began to even doubt that, wondering whether it was a body I was in or just some strange dream that I'd had, that I liked to fantasize about. I still wonder.

Tunes: "The Drinking Song", Moxy Früvous (iTMS).

It's over. We had a good run, it was "hell and bliss and all that soars between it", as the song goes, and I'm very glad to have been a part of it and very grateful to all who came to see me (and all who wished to come but were otherwise hindered), but it's done and I'm so glad. It's done. Now I get to devote my time to finishing college applications! Yay!

Tunes: "Hey Julie", Fountains of Wayne (iTMS).

Cut and pasted from my youth group bulletin, courtesy of my good friend Nick (thanks, man):

Hi Everyone,

This Friday and Saturday Si is performing Shakespeare's Twelfth Night* on Friday and Saturday 7:00 at the Edgebrook Community Church (6736 N Loleta in Chicago, I'd use mapquest for directions). Having sat in on some rehearsals the show looks great, and there are swords! (what could be better?) To answer the aforementioned question, what makes it better is a mere $2 for admission! Try that at navy pier. I hope everyone can make it to support Si and see the play, which has swords ;-)

Peace, love, and lots of shiny objects
~nick

*not solo, unless the flu goes around

So many feelings, impulses, and dreams fight for my attention, leaving me uncertain of where I am or what I should be feeling. Physically, I'm fine (a little better than fine, as I've been noshing on leftovers all day), but having my stream of consciousness form a whirlpool inside my skull messes me up but good.

Maybe I've just watched Garden State too many times, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about what "home" means to me lately. My initial thought is this house that I'm sitting in right now, but that's not quite it. Really, it's more of a combination of this house with a certain number of specific people who live there with me. Some don't live here any more, which has caused me to have to stretch out in search of another handhold, like a vine of ivy searching for something sturdy to cling to. Now, instead of a singular strong rock, I float thanks to the many places and people who are a part of me, and are my home, whose combined efforts keep me buoyant. So as my house fills again, I feel more at home than ever, and I'm very, very, thankful.

Tunes: "I'm On My Way", The Proclaimers (iTMS), "At My Most Beautiful", R.E.M. (iTMS), "More Than Love", Los Lonely Boys (iTMS).

This is the third morning in a row I've been woken up by a telemarketer calling. All the morning wakeup calls have been from the same company, and one marketer even had the audacity to call again later in the day yesterday. Do they REALLY think that I'll start giving them money, just to shut them up? Or do they believe that the more they call, the greater the odds I will stop saying "No, I'm not interested, stop calling me" and listen to their offer and actually take them up on it? I try to be polite when dealing with these invasions of my time, but I've grown progressively less so. At this rate, any telemarketer that calls before 9:00am and wakes me is likely to be greeted with an expletive and a dead line (possibly a few extra expletives if it's from the same company).

Grr.

feeling muscles slowly burning
entropizing, vainly yearning
wanting just to stretch beyond
confines of disease's bond
feeble neath this grey pall
clenched tight in sickness' thrall
whispering my last request
praying that what i've confessed
through the son will be forgiven
when from life my soul is riven

Tunes: "Thunder", Prince (iMTS); "Summer of '69", Bryan Adams (iTMS); and "I Don't Wanna Be", Gavin DeGraw (iTMS).

The cold night air prickles along the skin of his arm as he sits at his table, pencil poised over yet another sheet of paper. His eyes close and his brow furrows as his hand bursts suddenly into action, scrawling rapidly across the page. Just as suddenly, he stops, and reads over what he was written. As his eyes scan the sloppy script, his head begins to shake, and something inside him snaps as, frenzied, he tears the paper to shreds and throws the pieces into a pile of similar remains on the corner. He pauses, breathing deeply, and he glances up at a framed picture on the wall. He relaxes, and pulls up another sheet of paper as the chill sets in again.

Tunes: "Save Tonight", Eagle-Eye Cherry (iTMS).

It's times like yesterday that make it seem amazing that it took Einstein to realize that time is relative.

The piano started quietly, soon being joined by gradual layers of voices, all singing together, "Veni Sancte Spiritus": Come, Holy Spirit. Ministers of all denominations made their way slowly, reverentially, to where he knelt, and laid their hands upon him. A clear, pure melody soared out over the congregation from Susie's throat as the whole congregation raised their own hands to show their acceptance of his sacrifice, his offering of servitude to God and to God's people. Tears ran silently down faces as the chanting slowly hushed until it was barely more than a whisper.

It couldn't have taken more than four or five minutes. But for all of us, and I'm sure especially for Tripp, it lasted-- and will last-- for a lifetime.

My big bro Tripp's been all holy-fied. I'm proud of you, dude.

The island is a small one, with only a few square miles of open land. It's privately owned, with minimal taxes going to the reigning government, which doesn't really care. Sitting in the Pacific, it remains largely undeveloped, with plenty of natural flora and fauna. There aren't many buildings: a scattering of small houses, a tiny chapel, a partially covered courtyard, and a small solar/wind plant. As the sun sets, two people are silhoutted against the horizon overlooking the wine-red ocean.

Oh, c'mon, is it really too much to ask?

Tunes: "Island In The Sun", Weezer (iTMS).

Hey, at least he can pronounce polysyllabic words...

Tunes: "I'm So Bored With The U.S.A.", The Clash .

The sky is a rumpled blanket of grey, smothering what lies beneath it in shadow. Every now and then there is a slight break, and you can see the light shoot through, a distant sign that there is something on the other side worth hoping for, but the real goal is for the clouds to burn away and have the sun shine directly down on you in its full majesty, to feel the dark, humid shade melt and dissolve as that overpowering warmth and light cascades over you. That's what to aim for, because once you've felt that glory, then it doesn't matter if the clouds come back, because you know that that power is still back there, and any moment now it will shine forth again.

Tunes: "10 More Minutes", Kill Hannah (iTMS); "Here Comes My Girl", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. (iTMS).

Just incredible. Go Sox, it's about time.

I won't say I want to be just like the AccordionGuy when I grow up, but if my life reaches a moderately similar level of weirdness (and I make it through with enough sanity to get by), I will be content.

Tunes: "Chorus And The Ring", R.E.M. (iTMS); "Lovers In A Dangerous Time", Bruce Cockburn (iTMS).

It's time for: Random Quotes Taken Out Of Context!!!

"It's kinda like Friends meets The Twilight Zone directed by like David Lynch or John Waters or someone."

"I am not an Ibuprofen junkie!"
--"How many have you had today?"
"...Shut up."

"Why the hell is there a spoon in my pocket?"

"It's squishy!"

"But this is a respectable establishment. I'm wearing my best pajamas!"

"...Or a red, like a blood red, but not fresh blood, dried blood."

"You are too weak to defeat me!"

"There's still a spoon in my pocket."

"There's only one thing I know for certain: this is excellent Tiramisu."

Tunes: "Robot Parade" (iTMS), "Damn Good Times" (iTMS), "Exquisite Dead Guy" (iTMS), "She's An Angel" (iTMS), They Might Be Giants.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."
A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

"Lovers leave and friends will let you down/
You're the only sure thing that I've found/
No matter what I do I'll never lose/
My old friend the blues"
-The Proclaimers, My Old Friend The Blues

As my parents will testify, I have always needed signs of reassurance. A hug here, a random "I love you" there, always that affirmation of presence. It's not that I necessarily doubt other's love, but that it is extremely comforting to emphasize it. That's one of the reasons these quotes really strike chords within me. In one, the message is sent that all you have to do is call and reach out your hand, and it will be taken and held. The other says that the hand will slip, and you will be left to fend for yourself, alone. I have certainly had experiences that have gone both ways, sometimes grasping the hand firmly, and sometimes losing my grip. It's always painful when the connection is lost, and that can lead one to believe it's better not to try at all, to resign onesself to isolation so as not to fall down further. But the joy-- and that's what it is, joy in its deepest, original pure sense-- of someone grabbing ahold and helping you up is so powerful, so touching, that it simply cannot be neglected for monotony. From a Christian outlook, we are actively called to reach out and take hold of another's hands, and are told ahead of time of the benefits, of the connection between "love thy neighbor as thyself" and "God is love, and where true love is, God himself is there." How, then, can I settle for anything less, without denying not only God, but all the other people reaching out to me? It's one thing to shut myself off and stagnate on my own, but in doing so, I would cut off and hurt my friends and family who are relying on me to pull them up? I can't, and so I keep marching, "further up and further in" as the story goes, continually reaching out for that sometimes elusive brush of skin that says, "Here I am."

Tunes: "Leave", R.E.M. (iTMS); "Solsbury Hill", Peter Gabriel (iTMS); "Sky", Sonique (iTMS).

10-3 WHAT!!!

I am happy
Oh so happy

*Does happy dance*

World Series here we come!

I had to get out of town, escape for a while. I called up some friends and made arrangements to crash with them, then hopped a train. After finding an acceptable open seat (the one next to the infant/parent combo was out, as was the one next to the little old lady who looked as though she'd talk my ear off), I settled in and stared out the window. It's like watching a movie of sorts, with the window as a screen and the passing highways and slums as actors, silently demonstrating their angst and their joy, their apathy and their excitement. Annie Lennox sings that "love don't show up in the pavement cracks", but that's just what's happening here, like careworn creases in a kindly grandmother's smile. In contrast, the tall, foreboding factories stand steady and fearsome, with their grim lights, barbed wire, and plumed smokestacks, give an air of superior brusqueness. It only enhanced my desire to remove myself. I wanted trees, and hills, and nature, not this urban wasteland I call home.

Tunes: "Long Line Of Cars", Cake (iTMS); "Fibber Island", They Might Be Giants (iTMS); "Walking in Memphis", Marc Cohn.

Disgustingly, obscenely, horrifyingly offensive. And just about as hilarious. The puppetry is sheer genius, and, as is typical with Trey and Matt's work, the homemade soundtrack shines through. My primary complaint coming out of the movie was that I felt that they had gone too far with the gay jokes. My friend, who I saw the film with, countered by pointing out that they had ripped on pretty much every other possible stereotype and then some, and that in that context, gay jokes were fair game. I think that what I was unable to articulate before, however, is that the reason that the gay jokes seemed the most barbed and cruel was the casual manner in which they were passed off. Many times it didn't feel like they were set up as jokes at all, but just natural, casual conversation, and that's what stings. Aside from that, though, if you're not easily offended, and want to go see puppets vomiting, blowing things up, and having wild and crazy sex, then march on down to your local theater like a good citizen.

Tunes: Team America soundtrack.

300th post! w00t!!! I will now go celebrate with a pound of cookie dough ^_^

Tunes: "Imitation Of Life", R.E.M. (iTMS); "Light Up My Room", Barenaked Ladies (iTMS); "Trusty Chords", Hot Water Music (iTMS).

...After his whirlwind tour of New England, Si Adam is back at Kafien! Tonight at 8:30.

It's a grey, rainy, completely blah day. So, making an entry in the book of Disgustingly Inappropriate Things, I turn up the stereo and blast out "Walking On Sunshine", courtesy of Katrina and the Waves.

Yeeaow! Um Yeah!
I used to think maybe you love me, now baby I'm sure
And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now everytime I go for the mailbox gotta hold myself down
Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're comin' around

Now I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walking on sunshine
I'm walking on sunshine
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good

I used to think maybe you love me now I know that it's true
And I don't wanna spend my whole life just a waitin' for you
Now don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day
I said baby I just want you back and I want you to stay

I'm walkin' on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good

-(short instrumental)-

Walkin' on sunshine
Walkin' on sunshine

I feel alive, I feel a love,
I feel a love that's really real
I feel alive, I feel a love,
I feel a love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby
I'm on sunshine baby
I'm walkin' on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine
I'm walkin' on sunshine

And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good
And don't it feel good don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it and
don't it feel good
Tell me, tell me, tell me again and don't it feel good
And don't it feel good, don't it feel good, don't it feel good
Now don't it feel good
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah yeah, yeah, oh yeah

...But it took me a long !@#$ing time to get here. It took a good 42 hours of transit in a number of forms (pretty much everything except planes and bicycles) to get me from Marlboro back home to Evanston. Now before I go any further about the trip, I'd like to talk a bit more about Marlboro. I still stand by what I wrote before, but reading back, it sounds fairly negative. What happened after that post is much, much more positive. Immediately after that last post, I sat in on a fabulous class (Intro to Hinduism and Buddhism), which started getting me acquainted with some of the students, and afterwards I hooked up with my host for the evening, and was swiftly introduced around: "Hey (insert name here), this is the Prospie." Soon I was surrounded by fun people having fun. There was only one tense spot in the evening when I was told they would have to "test my manhood." Somewhat on edge, I followed them down to the basement, where I discovered the instrument of testing: a Nintendo Gamecube, with Mario Kart lying on top of it.

Then i headed home, by a shuttle to a bus to a train to another train then on foot for twenty mintes back to my house for a quick shower before another twenty-minute walk to my philosophy class followed by my play rehearsal then another twenty-minute walk home to finally sit back and be enthusiastically greeted by my dog (read: she peed at my feet), and not-quite-so enthusiastically greeted by my Dad (he was quite happy to see me, but did not pee at my feet).

So glad to be home.

Tunes: "Raining All the Time," Kill Hannah (iTMS); "1985," Bowling For Soup (iTMS).

Your correspondent now hails from Marlboro, VT, on the last leg of his whirlwind tour of New England and surrounds. Academicall, the college seems in good standing, but I'll wait until my 3:30 class (Intro to Hinduism and Buddhism) to give the final word there. The people are firendly, at least those I've talked to. Because the school is so small, everybody knows everybody else on a first-name basis, and my being a stranger in such a secluded place seems to invite people to overlook me either out of wariness ("What's he doing here?") or awkwardness ("I don't remember his name, so I'll just keep walking.") The campus is stunning, but at a cost: the nearest metropolitan area is a good two hours away, and what passes for the nearest town's (which itself is a good half-hour away) bus stop is a trailer. Still, it makes for good prose:

The sun's painfully bright aura is the only refuge against Autumn's chill and the harsh mountain wind. But it seems to be enough, as young women and men congregate in the fields, eating and laughing, chatting and lying about on the grass. The setting is aesthetically ideal: rolling mountains, covered in warm greens, vibrant yellows, and crisp reds as the leaves slowly turn. The grass still fights valiantly against the change of season, but is starting to fade in the face of the inescapable.

Anyhow, tomorrow I start the long journey home. Until then!

Tunes: "Hope," R.E.M.; "Everything To Me," Rock Kills Kid; "What I Want," Autopilot Off.

I remember sitting with my brother on a balcony over a lake, sketching out our hopes and dreams underneath the morning sun, and submitting to the overwhelming waves of tranquility that swept us under.

I remember sitting with my sister in her third-floor suite, watching the rain falling in a continuous torrent as we ate, laughed, and shared.

I remember feeling like I'm home, like I'm where I ought to be.

Tunes (Yes, I'm gonna try and get these going again):"Feels Like Home," Bonnie Raitt; "Stop Crying Your Heart Out," Oasis; and "Stacy's Mom," Fountains of Wayne.